I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
