Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
we're making bets on your personal life
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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