It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
