if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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