Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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