John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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