I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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