so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
