I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
