the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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