Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
