I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
