Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
