We won't sleep together?
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
