I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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