it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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