my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
