Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
