This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
