I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
