i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Panties = found
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
