fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
