I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
