Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
