i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
