I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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