I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
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