All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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