Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
