Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
