I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
