can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
