I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I need water and some morals
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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