It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
