shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
