I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
