I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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