How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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