the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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