I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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