Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
