My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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