She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
