first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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