We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
