i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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