You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
