This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
