two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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