I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Randomize
