i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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